Central:
Predicted Finish: Indiana, Cleveland, Detroit, Bulls, Bucks



Ron Artest, thank you for representing a version of New York that is slowly fading away under the weight of high rents and high rises. The New York where that dude in the alley might smile and kick your ass for breathing wrong. The defensive player of the year Artest will complement Jermaine O’Neal, Stephen Jackson will talk a lot of smack and no one will listen, and in his cameo, Fred Jones will throw down the filthiest in-game dunk ever seen… and go back to the bench to play his matador defense. Ron Artest is seen here with Cam'Ron and some blondes, and doing hurricane relief. Leave the man be. So he beat up some jerk fans? Don't you wish you could do the same to that one repetitive jackass who thinks he knows some inside dirt because he's been reading the New York Post?

This division is the basketball equivalent of all the virile sperm at a logjam on the way to that sweet, unfertilized egg. I grossed myself out with that one, but I honestly believe LeBron, Bron-Bron to friends such as myself, will carry this squad to ill heights. I love Drew Gooden’s game, I love Larry Hughes’ game; plus Damon Jones and Donyell Marshall and Z-Ilgauskas? That’s an ill-nasty team. LeBron will trump Fred Jones’ filthy dunk with the grimiest nuts-in-face throwdown, the one that makes all the men in the room holler OOOOOOOH.

Detroit is a nice place to throw a beer. But under Flip Saunders’ rumpled direction, can the Pistons maintain their dominance of the East? I think they can run on autopilot, really; and the team will score a little more. But then I think, who scores on this team, anyway? Rip Hamilton takes 2’s not 3’s, Chauncey is effective but isn’t too eager to pass, Ben Wallace has hands of stone, Rasheed just wants to sit in the back of class, hit on the trashy girls, and holler interesting things (never reaching his “potential”), and Play-shaun Prince is a fine defensive player, but that chicken-wing three point shot ain’t getting him points. Darko will be free, mediocre, and will try to out filth Bron-Bron and Fred Jones but will only come up with a dunk that’s indecent.

The problem with this division is that the Bulls are really good. In fact, they could end up second. Kirk Hinrich is ridiculously competent; Ben Gordon might need to stand on a phone book to make a collect call but that dude is quicker than almost anyone else. But Tyson Chandler does not a post presence make. Mike Sweetney does, and if he’s as good as New York thinks he is—the New York fans, not the NY Bricks—the Bulls really will surprise. At least he tries to play defense, unlike Eddy Heart Condition. Plus… who’s going to dunk on this team?

Late Entry:

I predict the Bucks will end up fifth but that does them a disservice. TJ Ford’s spine is back in place and that kid is a missile. He can’t shoot—so what? That’s what he has Michael Redd for. Redd can shoot for two. I suggest opposing teams go for the Lawrence Taylor pre-defensive method—send strippers to his hotel room before he plays in your town. Bogut has been ready to play for a year, even if he keeps physically reminding me of Rony Siekaly. Dan Gadzuric will humiliate someone on a fast break, some foolish unsuspecting guard who can’t believe that 6 foot 11 guy is flying downcourt like that. Gadzookie rebounds, blocks, dunks, plus he’s Dutch/ Serbian and I think a little Africa’s tossed in there. And there’s that Canadian Jamaal Magliore. I hear he’s good but he’s been with the Hornets, so no one knows. They might overtake the Bulls and make the playoffs.