EASTERN CONFERENCE PREVIEW
Hot times, y’all. It’s basketball season.
The refs want to remove the “NBA step,” the extra step players take going to the basket. And flopping. That’s my whole game! Man, the NBA wants to take away my livelihood. Well, forget them. I’m tired, anyway. 82 games, from coast to coast. Stromile Swift’s about to break out. Amare and me can’t go to our yoga class together because he has to “rehab.” And I’m tired of Dirk Nowitzki playing tricks on me, Jamal Crawford stealing basketballs from my yard; I want to party with the ballers in Portland but they all piss their pants when they get carded. Ron Artest showing up at my house and wanting to play tracks from some girl group on his label (you tell him no).
And I have to go to Canadia? I don’t even know where Canadia is.
They just don’t see my game for its subtleties; I pass well from the post because no one can see me in the post. I roll silent like the fog. But these ten day contracts are getting me down, and if I can’t wear my bling, I’m not posting up Tim Duncan anymore. And that bitchass might not admit it but he dead scared of this baller. For real. FOR REAL.
Forget the NBA. I’m just gonna quit and write a blog and a novel instead. That’ll show them all! David Stern, this pen’s aimed at you!!!
DIVISION BY DIVISION
EAST
Atlantic:
Predicted Finish: New Jersey, Boston, New York, Philadelphia, Toronto.
Some things we’re going to see:
We’re going to see dunks and running from the New Jersey Nets, and Jason Collins inexplicably missing dunks and struggling to keep up. They won’t play defense but with a division like this they won’t have to. Seriously, they’re going to put up shots like GI Joe battle scenes. If they let Zoran Planinic free, maybe we’ll see his scrawny tail whoop the crap out of that screw faced Hedo Turkoglu—they have Euro-Beef from way back. Cliff Robinson will tell stories about way back in the 80’s, Jason Kidd will mutter about being traded, and Richard Jefferson and Vince Carter will work so well together they’ll start their own car dealership. Or illegal card game. Both do well in New Jersey. Look out for those two in your favorite club, asking you, “so… how’s your girl?”
Boston has some nice young players and if Paul “Gunner” Pierce doesn’t get traded for a bale of deer jerky (I’m aiming him at Minnesota. They need a shooter) they might make some noise. Might. It might be at a house party, for all I know. Al Jefferson and Kendrick Perkins will make you drool. I won’t admit it in public either. It’ll be our secret.
The New York Bricks will… well, it’ll be ugly for 1/3 of the season. And then, there will be a winning streak. It might, unfortunately, be the winning streak that sparks a trade of David Lee, Jackie Butler, and Nate Robinson to Toronto for Jalen Rose—he’s from Chicago and a solid but not spectacular veteran. And Larry loves a proven veteran. Larry Brown and Isiah will smile as they stab each other in the back. Starbury and Q and Jamal Crawford will put up shots. That will miss. The payroll will be equal to the final bid on the Atlantic Rail yards. Eddy Heart Condition Curry will score, and ccradle the ball lovingly near his jock, where opportunistic guards will slap it away and race to the other end for a score. Eddy will watch them from about, oh, halfcourt. Caveat: I think Larry Brown can make Crawford into a real NBA player with shot selection and all.
Philadelphia has Allan Iverson. He’s going to break like fine crystal when the goths get wild at a high school party. But maybe it won’t be this year. Because it’s only his 40-shots a game magic that keeps this squad in semi-contention. C-Webb, I love the man, but he needs to play in a rec league. Or with a team that believes in “pass.” I don’t remember Mo Cheeks’ teams being particularly unselfish… There will be bitching, complaints, and Andre Iguodala will turn to his young teammates Korver and Dalembert and concoct a business plan for their own team. And then they’ll be distracted by high school girls calling out their names at the Teen Choice Awards.
Toronto will ride Chris Bosh into the ground and wonder why all of their other forwards suck. Mo Peterson will take shots and make shots as if he’s alone in a forest. No, Easy Mo Pete, no one hears you if the three falls in Toronto. The Raptors will eagerly await the trading deadline, where then Knicks will provide them a bounty of actually capable NBA players, and they will win at a .600 clip in the last two months of the season. 35 Canadians who bought season tickets will clap respectfully.
The refs want to remove the “NBA step,” the extra step players take going to the basket. And flopping. That’s my whole game! Man, the NBA wants to take away my livelihood. Well, forget them. I’m tired, anyway. 82 games, from coast to coast. Stromile Swift’s about to break out. Amare and me can’t go to our yoga class together because he has to “rehab.” And I’m tired of Dirk Nowitzki playing tricks on me, Jamal Crawford stealing basketballs from my yard; I want to party with the ballers in Portland but they all piss their pants when they get carded. Ron Artest showing up at my house and wanting to play tracks from some girl group on his label (you tell him no).
And I have to go to Canadia? I don’t even know where Canadia is.
They just don’t see my game for its subtleties; I pass well from the post because no one can see me in the post. I roll silent like the fog. But these ten day contracts are getting me down, and if I can’t wear my bling, I’m not posting up Tim Duncan anymore. And that bitchass might not admit it but he dead scared of this baller. For real. FOR REAL.
Forget the NBA. I’m just gonna quit and write a blog and a novel instead. That’ll show them all! David Stern, this pen’s aimed at you!!!
DIVISION BY DIVISION
EAST
Atlantic:
Predicted Finish: New Jersey, Boston, New York, Philadelphia, Toronto.
Some things we’re going to see:
We’re going to see dunks and running from the New Jersey Nets, and Jason Collins inexplicably missing dunks and struggling to keep up. They won’t play defense but with a division like this they won’t have to. Seriously, they’re going to put up shots like GI Joe battle scenes. If they let Zoran Planinic free, maybe we’ll see his scrawny tail whoop the crap out of that screw faced Hedo Turkoglu—they have Euro-Beef from way back. Cliff Robinson will tell stories about way back in the 80’s, Jason Kidd will mutter about being traded, and Richard Jefferson and Vince Carter will work so well together they’ll start their own car dealership. Or illegal card game. Both do well in New Jersey. Look out for those two in your favorite club, asking you, “so… how’s your girl?”Boston has some nice young players and if Paul “Gunner” Pierce doesn’t get traded for a bale of deer jerky (I’m aiming him at Minnesota. They need a shooter) they might make some noise. Might. It might be at a house party, for all I know. Al Jefferson and Kendrick Perkins will make you drool. I won’t admit it in public either. It’ll be our secret.
The New York Bricks will… well, it’ll be ugly for 1/3 of the season. And then, there will be a winning streak. It might, unfortunately, be the winning streak that sparks a trade of David Lee, Jackie Butler, and Nate Robinson to Toronto for Jalen Rose—he’s from Chicago and a solid but not spectacular veteran. And Larry loves a proven veteran. Larry Brown and Isiah will smile as they stab each other in the back. Starbury and Q and Jamal Crawford will put up shots. That will miss. The payroll will be equal to the final bid on the Atlantic Rail yards. Eddy Heart Condition Curry will score, and ccradle the ball lovingly near his jock, where opportunistic guards will slap it away and race to the other end for a score. Eddy will watch them from about, oh, halfcourt. Caveat: I think Larry Brown can make Crawford into a real NBA player with shot selection and all.
Philadelphia has Allan Iverson. He’s going to break like fine crystal when the goths get wild at a high school party. But maybe it won’t be this year. Because it’s only his 40-shots a game magic that keeps this squad in semi-contention. C-Webb, I love the man, but he needs to play in a rec league. Or with a team that believes in “pass.” I don’t remember Mo Cheeks’ teams being particularly unselfish… There will be bitching, complaints, and Andre Iguodala will turn to his young teammates Korver and Dalembert and concoct a business plan for their own team. And then they’ll be distracted by high school girls calling out their names at the Teen Choice Awards.Toronto will ride Chris Bosh into the ground and wonder why all of their other forwards suck. Mo Peterson will take shots and make shots as if he’s alone in a forest. No, Easy Mo Pete, no one hears you if the three falls in Toronto. The Raptors will eagerly await the trading deadline, where then Knicks will provide them a bounty of actually capable NBA players, and they will win at a .600 clip in the last two months of the season. 35 Canadians who bought season tickets will clap respectfully.
posted by Norman Rose at 1:21 PM
7 Comments:
i cannot get over the thug-ness of nba players.
richard jefferson, up top, is not a thug. he is a stylish cat; and it's okay if the guys don't want to rock armani suits. maybe one day you'll date a thug and all of your misconceptions will be tossed out the window.
wasn't referring to the top guy, he's cute, iverson on the other hand is ALL thug.
AI is simply misunderstood. that gun is just there to sell records. no, it didn't work.
You will never see Jalen play for Larry Brown again.
Larry = Oil
Jalen = Water
Even if Thomas wants Jalen, Brown would just as soon quit as put him on the roster.
It's true... but I thought Steph and Larry could work together either.
They probably can't.
I think the difference is that Stephon and Larry have never tried it before. Larry and Jalen on the same team is kinda like trying to reunite with an ex when things ended really, really badly the first time. Too many bruised egos/baggage in the room.
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