Northwest:
Predicted Finish: Denver, Minnesota, Utah, Seattle, Portland JailBlazers

George Karl: it’s like you woke up in the good dream. You have ‘Melo. You have K-Mart. You have the Camby-man. You have Nene. You have Earl Boykins and Earl Watson who will save you money on rides at Six Flags. So what if no one can shoot? It’s like waking up in your dorm room to find Stacy Dash, circa the movie Clueless, lighting candles, reading William Blake’s the Marriage of Heaven and Hell in a raspy voice, and set to rock your world. Let me shake your hand early. Have you seen your opponents? No, because they’re in your dust.

Minnesota is a great place to be in the summer. Unfortunately basketball is played in the winter, and there languishes Kevin Garnett. Will this finally be the winter of his discontent? He has Wally Sczerbiak to kick around and new guards—Marko Jaric who isn’t nimble to play the point, Anthony Carter who is too untalented to play the point, and Troy Hudson who is too old to play the point. And the Mayor Fred Hoiberg had heart problems, out for the year. I don’t know why I put the Timberwolves this high… I just think KG is this good. And maybe Rashard McCants will do the thing he knows—shoot! Shoot! Best line about the kid was Jay Bilas at the draft:

“If I had nickel for every time he got down and really guarded somebody, I'd have a nickel.”

Utah is pretty in the winter, all the glistening blonde people and clean streets and un-Jazzy basketball. Jerry Sloan probably thinks he has his man in Deron Williams, and unlike the pundits, I think that kid can really play. He has jets that jets can’t afford. But I can’t get past the fact that one of the best dirty work players, Matt Harpring, is playing the same positions as Andrei Kirilenko and Carlos Boozer. Up north in Jack London country, we call that a logjam, you see, because we can’t get the logs down the river. In this case, there are good legs on the bench at any one point, and only Kirilenko’s actually move fast.

Seattle is going to better without Jerome James eating all the buffet food (and since last year was his contract year, going to the bathroom and loudly puking like Lara Flynn Boyle after eating a carrot). I could put them higher but the Antonio Daniels effect will be startling. The man backed up both guard spots well, when Ray Allen was being assaulted and Luke Ridnour was being outclassed. And they don’t have a replacement. Nick Collison will keep them tough, and Danny Fortson will lose his last friend in the NBA after a particularly hard foul. No Crime and Punishment, here; this team will fade more like the Underground Man.

The Portland Jailblazers are awesome, because they brought in players who are too young to have adult records. Hence, they are now Portland Jailbait. Darius Miles, the grizzled veteran at 24 with the movie "The Perfect Score" under his belt, and Steve Blake will join Theo Ratliff in chaperoning the kids to play group. Watch them the second half of the season when Juan Dixon’s shot starts falling and Travis Outlaw make you go “damn, that little kid can play.” They’re going to be the David Eggers’ You Shall Know Our Velocity of the division—new style, new money, but good enough to hang with the big boys. While we wait for them to reach drinking age, enjoy some pictures: