Pacific:
Predicted Finish: Golden State, Sacramento, Los Angeles Lakers, Phoenix. Oh yeah, the Los Angeles Clippers

Every year there is a breakout team. Forces change the status quo from year to year-- veterans getting old, injuries, talent leaps that weren't foreseen, players putting it all together, and sheer dumb luck. And why not Golden State? I won’t show you the mathematical calculations about how long a team can have losing season until the law of silly averages hands them wins on a platter. And I know Dunleavy and Richardson don’t play defense. The guys who were drafted were good parts without a solid leader to distribute; and the offense looked like Murphy in the low post, Richardson holding the rock, and three guys mentally counting their paychecks. But Baron Davis arrived and led this attack into the realm of illness last year. Sick like third stage syphilis. Troy Murphy, Andris Biedrins set free? Mickael Pietrus lurking in the shadows, just waiting to thief your passes? And Dunleavy in a couch staring at your tail as you walk to the bar in the creepiest manner possible? It’s on. Light sh*t up like Red Dawn.

I have to be honest. Like you, I know nothing about the Kings. They’re a middle of the pack Western Conference team, traded Chris Webber to Philly for Kenny Thomas/ Brian Skinner/ Corliss Williamson, bowed out early in the playoffs. But Sacramento is rebuilding the house… and they always use high quality parts. Sharif Abdur-Rahim’s legs will hold up, Peja will enjoy shooting again, Mike Bibby and Brad Miller will be steady. Bonzi Wells is only half as crazy as Carl Everett, and with a team filled with veterans, high percentage shooting, and crisp passing, I think he will reach heights people forgot he could hit. And I don’t mean Jailblazer, Humboldt County, Up In Smoke heights. They’re missing something, but it won’t be the playoffs.

The Los Angeles Lakers of the Staples Center… man, forget Kobe and Phil, Kobe and Phil. Are they eating at Nobu? Do they take Yoga together? Did Phil buy Kobe a diamond bracelet to say sorry? I don’t stinking care. I love Lamar Odom, who you may know from events such as "Am I the only one who's actually trying to play at the Olympics?" and "Yes, I got caught smoking mary jane... for a third time." And I dig Chris Mihm. But the rest of this squad is like A Walk to Remember—a production to forget. Laron Profit? Kwame Brown? This team is a secondary draft—if you don’t know the concept, John Hollinger describes it as when teams pick up high, young draft picks that didn’t make it with their first team. Many of these players turn out to be serviceable, but this squad has knucklehad written all over it. And word has it NYC playground legend and collegiate mediocrity (and lazy student) Smush Parker will get some playing time? (Editor’s note: damned Lakers. Smush scored 20 last night!)

Phoenix. This is the Ishtar of the league. Folks think they’re just gonna get out there and do it again, do it again, do it again. Without the horses? Stoudamire is out for half the season and he won’t be the same when he does come back. Nash doesn’t have anyone who can keep up with him. Kurt Thomas has a fork in him (Isiah was checking his readiness) and he’ll slow down the run-run-run of the Suns-Suns-Suns. I like the idea of Boris Diaw but when I see him on the court I cringe. Marion plays Hoffman, Nash plays Beatty, and they are walking alone in the desert.

Thanks for reading—oh yes, Donald Sterling’s entry. The Los Angeles Clippers of the Other Locker Room of the Staples Center. I could go on and on about veterans Cuttino “I’ll shoot it!” Mobley and Sam “Peanut” Cassell along with Elton “Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen” Brand and Corey Maggette. But I think Chris Kaman is the bad luck charm in all of this. He runs really hard, and can’t do anything when he gets to his spot. Coach Mike Dunleavy will get his team playing well, but when he looks to his subs, and then down at the clipboard to figure out their names and what they do, and then back at his subs with a sadder face, and then back at his clipboard to make sure he’s not looking at a NBDL or CBA roster, and then back at his subs… he’ll rethink the wisdom of taking over the Clips. And then, Peanut will start complaining about Cuttino hogging the ball, and Cuttino will complain about Peanut hogging the ball, and Elton Brand will call Isiah Thomas: “Man, my team stinks. Hey! I play forward! Trade for me!! Bonus—I make a lot of money!”