Southeast:
Predicted Finish: Miami, Washington, Orlando, Charlotte, Atlanta
Miami looks like a mess. Pat Riley is hovering for Stan Van Gundy’s job, dripping pomade all over him, which makes it very hard to be taken seriously. Especially by Shaq—he wakes up three times from his regular season, stands up, and looks down upon what he sees. Imagine seeing a little fat man that looks like Ron Jeremy being dripped on by Dapper Pat Riley? In the corner Gary Payton and Jason Williams will invent new words in their version of the English language to talk about how much they are being disrespected. Antoine “Sour Face” Walker will pout like he’s about to cry. Dwayne Wade will be the classy mofo that carries this squad through all the bickering… and may just get a little MVP love. You heard it here first.
See, this Gilbert Arenas guy is a problem. He’s awesome. Butt he thinks he’s even better than awesome. And he hogs the ball. And without Larry Hughes to hog the ball, will the passes fly… or will it be the “you could have made a better decision” drives? If Arenas plays well, I think they might—MIGHT—overtake the Heat. Antawn Jamison, Etan Thomas, Bendan-tan Haywood are an imposing interior force, and that little priss Kwame Brown won’t be around distracting them. And Antonio Daniels. Watch Antonio Daniels. For once, the Wizards’ ticket in your season package won’t be the proverbial Halloween candy corn, the one you can’t give away.
Orlando has Grant Hill, which would be great if he wasn’t held together by frayed rubber bands and the fleeting dreams of children in the Magic Kingdom. Jameer Nelson will pass the ball. Steve Francis will not. Luckily, Stevie won’t be running the point, because the man is blind like his namesake. I hope he doesn’t Jay and Silent Bob me and come to my house to whoop my tail for talking trash on the ‘net. Watch Dwight Howard. He’ll carry this team to its .500 record.
I think Charlotte should alter the Beach Boys’ Barbara Ann to Bob-bob-bob, bob-bob-a-cats. That will get people in the seats. And they should be there. This team, while crappy, has Emeka Okafor and Primoz Brezec—both worth watching. Which would be good if you could tell me who’s on the rest of the roster. I’ve always though Raymond Felton doesn’t quite know what he’s doing at any point in the game. Maybe I just hate him because he’s from UNC. He’ll try to get hugs from Sean May after his latest 6-turnover game.
R.I.P. Jason Collier. Dying of an enlarged heart was an awful thing to happen in general, and it has to make playing basketball really strange and difficult for the Hawks. That’s why I am not making fun of them, tossing money at a guy who thinks he’s a point guard because he school his little brother back home or something. And having 4 g/f swingmen sounds great if you’re playing NBA live but those skinny cats are going to be used as Shaq’s toothpicks.
Predicted Finish: Miami, Washington, Orlando, Charlotte, Atlanta
Miami looks like a mess. Pat Riley is hovering for Stan Van Gundy’s job, dripping pomade all over him, which makes it very hard to be taken seriously. Especially by Shaq—he wakes up three times from his regular season, stands up, and looks down upon what he sees. Imagine seeing a little fat man that looks like Ron Jeremy being dripped on by Dapper Pat Riley? In the corner Gary Payton and Jason Williams will invent new words in their version of the English language to talk about how much they are being disrespected. Antoine “Sour Face” Walker will pout like he’s about to cry. Dwayne Wade will be the classy mofo that carries this squad through all the bickering… and may just get a little MVP love. You heard it here first.
See, this Gilbert Arenas guy is a problem. He’s awesome. Butt he thinks he’s even better than awesome. And he hogs the ball. And without Larry Hughes to hog the ball, will the passes fly… or will it be the “you could have made a better decision” drives? If Arenas plays well, I think they might—MIGHT—overtake the Heat. Antawn Jamison, Etan Thomas, Bendan-tan Haywood are an imposing interior force, and that little priss Kwame Brown won’t be around distracting them. And Antonio Daniels. Watch Antonio Daniels. For once, the Wizards’ ticket in your season package won’t be the proverbial Halloween candy corn, the one you can’t give away.
Orlando has Grant Hill, which would be great if he wasn’t held together by frayed rubber bands and the fleeting dreams of children in the Magic Kingdom. Jameer Nelson will pass the ball. Steve Francis will not. Luckily, Stevie won’t be running the point, because the man is blind like his namesake. I hope he doesn’t Jay and Silent Bob me and come to my house to whoop my tail for talking trash on the ‘net. Watch Dwight Howard. He’ll carry this team to its .500 record.I think Charlotte should alter the Beach Boys’ Barbara Ann to Bob-bob-bob, bob-bob-a-cats. That will get people in the seats. And they should be there. This team, while crappy, has Emeka Okafor and Primoz Brezec—both worth watching. Which would be good if you could tell me who’s on the rest of the roster. I’ve always though Raymond Felton doesn’t quite know what he’s doing at any point in the game. Maybe I just hate him because he’s from UNC. He’ll try to get hugs from Sean May after his latest 6-turnover game.
R.I.P. Jason Collier. Dying of an enlarged heart was an awful thing to happen in general, and it has to make playing basketball really strange and difficult for the Hawks. That’s why I am not making fun of them, tossing money at a guy who thinks he’s a point guard because he school his little brother back home or something. And having 4 g/f swingmen sounds great if you’re playing NBA live but those skinny cats are going to be used as Shaq’s toothpicks.
posted by Norman Rose at 1:20 PM
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