Southwest
Predicted Finish: San Antonio, Houston, Dallas, Memphis, New Orleans/ Oklahoma City

San Antonio is the NBA’s current dynasty, working over opponents by a lot, a little, defending well, scoring efficiently, sharing the ball, and wearing boring colors. The team is the rice and beans of the Southwest Division – not that spectacular, but every time you take a bite, hey, it’s kinda good. And then it’s hey, you finished the whole bowl. I think it’s the spices—Manu Ginobili and his easy as Sunday morning Argentine crossover, Frenchman Tony Parker and his hot ass girlfriend, Bruce Bowen and his down south tugging-your-jock defense. There’s not much to say. They’re just good. I even hear Michael Finley will be the official towel-waver.

Houston is like oatmeal. You wince when you see it on the menu, and it’s not so good going down. It never looks like it works together, all gloppy and with bubbles and fruits drenched in goo. But hours later, you feel strong and tough and effective. Yao + Tracy McGrady aren’t the best paired tandem—a low post force who aw-shucks his way across the floor and a slashing shooting marvel who takes too many shots—but they are pretty damn good. And the backcourt has improved significantly. Rafer Alston probably has a crush on Jeff Van Gundy for making New York extra tough. Stromile Swift plays like a moron and will pull out the last ten of Jeff’s hairs. But that last second putback dunk on Kevin Garnett will be comforting like a warm sweaty post-game hug from a dripping Patrick Ewing or a sermon from Charlie Ward. Is he still on the roster?

Good Lord, Coach Avery Johnson—don’t play Doug Christie! He’s old like grandpa’s 23 skidoo diss track against Benny Goodman! The man can’t play anymore! Christie tries to play defense but can’t score at all… and you have Marquis Daniels + Josh Howard! You have young athletic long guys! Let them loose! And what kind of guy respects his wife so much that he makes hand signals to her while he plays? He gives basketball players a bad name, with that love and devotion crap. Where is the bling? Where are the hoes? I bet he likes the new dress code. For the Doug Christie acquisition—he’s like that graying, funny tasting chocolate with the banana filling no one likes in the box—the Mavericks get the third slot. Nowitzki will make up for the mediocrity that is Erick Dampier and I swear to you all, he plays defense now. Watch his man and see his field goal percentage. Hey, whatever happened to that Devin Harris kid?

The Memphis Grizzlies are no longer playing in a pyramid. Come on, dirty south, whose idea was THAT? Building a pyramid for events… you people. The basketball team has gotten rid of the Jason Williams vs. Earl Watson point guard controversy… only to replace it with the Bobby Jackson vs. Damon Stoudamire point guard controversy. The first pair was a good problem to have, and the second is a good pair to talk about diversifying your portfolio and retirement options with. Mo' experience, mo' knee problems. Being a Grizzly fan is like going to a restaurant promising good down home basketball and getting something a step below Checkers. I love Pau Gasol—if only for the fact that his name is a Batman sound effect—but being playoff competitive is a tall order. Can we elect Shane Battier to Congress, so we can get him on the way to the presidency? I am assuming him a Democrat… and I don’t even know why. Additionally, I know the league loves Jerry West (he is the NBA silhouette icon) but he has put together a hard working roster of unspectacular players. Dahntay Jones? Hakim Warrick? Eddie Jones? The garbageman Brian Cardinal, pictured here? What was wrong with James Posey? Why did you trade him, Jerry West?

New Orleans is like that time when your best friend dared you to eat dog sh*t. Or maybe the cantaloupe he/ she picked out of the trash. It just ain’t good. I’ll watch for Chris Paul but I swear to God, if you try and get me Bricks/ Hornets tickets I will slap you back into the trash can you came from. The New Orleans Hornets of Oklahoma City do have JR Smith and the Birdman, Chris Andersen, who will be great in the dunk contest. In fact, watch them for one reason—the Birdman is proof that white men CAN jump. And block shots. Then again, Jeff Foster of the Indiana Pacers proves the same thing and he’s on a winning team. Is Dan Dickau still in the league?