Sucka Bowl!

This year’s annual Sucka Bowl has a couple of very familiar faces—the often lowly and now displaced New Orleans Saints, and the impossibly snakebit New York Jets, playing Sunday night in New Jersey. Prediction: all viewers will be asleep in their nachos by halftime.

Mmm, nachos.

In 2001 the teams played a Sunday night game that was only rousing in the manner that the Saints yanked defeat from the jaws of victory. Violent-tempered Kyle Turley, with a minute left and his team 6 yards from tying the game, took umbrage to an admittedly violent face-mask twist by Jet defensive back Damien “Assault Rifle” Robinson. The official’s flag had flown but Turley further expressed his umbrage by twisting off Robinson’s helmet, starting a mini-brawl, and tossing the helmet towards midfield.

The officials do not cotton to extraneous violence; they assessed a 15-yard penalty on the fighting and one on the throw, offsetting the original penalty on Robinson. They also ejected violent tempered Turley, who left with his long blond Samson hair flowing in the breeze of the Superdome and his middle finger high in the air so all the kids could see.

Good times.

Tomorrow, the hostilities renew at the Meadowlands in New Jersey, where the displaced Saints had their “home” opener. Hey, they had no home to play in—why not New York, thought Commissioner Tagliabue. The Sucka Bowl features two teams angling for a great pick in this year’s NFL draft, which should feature some ready and able quarterbacks, an excellent offensive linemen, a couple of top of the line running backs. All of which the Jets could use. Their team has started applying for AARP magazines and Jets HQ receives offers to explain the new Medicare options to players.

The Saints simply need to be contracted. Owner Tom Benson made a little boo boo, lifting his legs on the hopes of the remaining N’Awlins residents by talking about a possible move from the rebuilding city. Which Benson has wanted to do for years.

The team’s quarterback, Aaron Brooks, is an amazing talent who can’t seem to harness that talent into any kind of efficiency. Once a game, he’ll make that off balance throw into triple coverage that makes you, an impartial observer, reach for a paper bag, draw eye holes and a frowning face, and put it over your head for the rest of the game. It saves energy. Try it next time. And coach Jim Haslett is a man of tough talk, mediocre defense, bad decisions, and offensive play calling that makes you take off the paper bag and regurgitate those great nachos you made.

Sucka Bowl, start your fumbling.

P.S. If I haven’t mentioned it, one of the still-greatest moments in my life—March, in the Bellagio in Las Vegas, walking right by Herman Edwards, coach of the Jets. Regal, strong jawed, fit, looking younger than his years, and with a beautiful woman on his arm. Me, very drunk, called my fellow Jet fan in San Diego a blathered on the phone.

The Texas Rangers have a new general manager.

And he's from my high school.

WHAT?!!

Del-Got Him, Plus

Some more pre-Turkey day Delgado/ trade chatter from Mets fan blog, Amazin' Avenue. I'd like to add that this is a great trade. Certainly better than that Scott Kazmir fiasco, where he went to the Tampa Bay Devil Dogs for a bag of hot dog leavings and Victor "Strike Zone?" Zambrano. It would be great if New Money Minaya doesn't break the bank to sign free agent catchers like Benji Molina/ Ramon Hernandez, because neither of them is Johnny Bench. They are veterans, but Ramon Castro is under contract and performed admirably in relief of Mike Piazza:

Ramon Castro (Age 29), New York Mets

SPLIT	G	AB	R	H	2B	3B	HR	RBI	SB	BA	OBP	SLG
Season	99	209	26	51	16	0	8	41	1	.244	.321	.435

He's not a world-beater but a solid defensive catcher. Plus he has a huge head that Pedro loves to poke fun at. If the Pedro has no active player to aim big-head jokes at, the terrorists win. And we all know we don't want that.

Hernandez is a solid catcher, offensively and defensively. Molina is said to be falling off in catching would-be base stealers. Their offensive numbers:

Ramon Hernandez (Age 29), San Diego Padres

SPLIT	G	AB	R	H	2B	3B	HR	RBI	SB	BA	OBP	SLG
Season	99	369	36	107	19	2	12	58	1	.290	.322	.450

Bengie Molina (Age 31), Los Angeles Angels of the Orange County of California, City of Anaheim

SPLIT	G	AB	R	H	2B	3B	HR	RBI	SB	BA	OBP	SLG
Season	119	410	45	121	17	0	15	69	0	.295	.336	.446

The compararison shouldn't be made with batting average but against on-base percentage (OBP) and slugging percentage (SLG). Ramon Hernandez is rumored to be asking for $5-7 million, and Bengie Molina probably will ask for the same. Castro is making $500K, so compare the added value.

One more mercenary free agent won't make this team work. Unless of course that mercenary's name is Billy Wagner.

Del-Got Him!

Dear Marlin fans, all five of you:

There’s something fishy going on. After days of staying up late and wondering if Josh Beckett— now a Boston Red Sock—will be able to date well-tanned bikini models anymore (they don’t like the cold, I hear), I see the Marlins and the Mets have completed the ultimate in fire sale trades:

Carlos Delgado + an offsetting 7 million dollar bills for Mets rookie 1B Mike Jacobs and sterling minor league pitcher Yusmeiro Petit.

Kudos for GM Omar Minaya for going for the talent, and swinging an aggressive deal, despite the possible public relations and personality pitfalls that might pop up like a Kaz Matsui hit. Delgado is, after all, famous throughout baseball for being the man who refuses to stand for the singing of God Bless America. And bless him. It’s the land that we love and I love it because we can say it sucks in peace. His not-standing stance became known at Yankee Stadium, where the homerist boos rained down from all sides. I hope this won’t be an offseason of reporters sidling up to him at 40/40 and asking if he’s going to stand for the flag and God Bless America.

What’s more, all of this print dedicated to his anti-war stance means I can’t google up information about how much Delgado is supposed to be a solid patron of the arts.

Delgado is famed in Mets circles for a swirl of BS and bile that came from Carlos himself and his agent, David Sloane, after signing with the Marlins—stuff about how Omar was trying to be all “we’re both Latino, trust me,” Sloane mouthing off about how great the Marlins were going to be, how Delgado was the balance of power in the east, about the pace of the negotiations. Read about last year here and here.

It was all very ugly and public, and I hope that won’t cause some Met fans or some Mets to welcome Delgado coldly. Carlos is one of my favorite players (though no José Reyes or David Wright) and I’m excited to see the Mets finally get a man who can straight rake the ball. Maybe now Beltran can hit second, Wright third, Delgado in the clean-the-bases position, and Floyd fifth. That's not a bad lineup. Not at all.

What’s the college basketball game of the year so far? Bucknell Bison beating on the Syracuse Orangemen? Imagine, the Orangemen losing to lanky engineering nerds?

Or is it triple overtime Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. Michigan State Spartans? Hard play in Maui, teams 8-10 deep with talent? I’m with the Zags—the very talented team in the West Coast Conference vs. Michigan State, the only interesting team in the Big Ten.

I didn’t see Bucknell. So some notes about the Zags/ State game, where neither team could get more than 4 points away from each other in the second half/ overtime:

Paul Davis has grown a heart: four years at Michigan State for Paul Davis has been shooting, has been potential, has been tall; and hasn’t been the superstar he was supposed to be. Maybe it’s conditioning, maybe it’s Tom Izzo’s team-oriented scheme, but I hear it in announcers’ voices, the rumor that passes through me when I watch the 6’11” play. No. Heart. He never seemed to play hard, to hustle for rebounds, to look for his shot, to use his quickness and skill. But tonight? He’s fighting and moving. He threw down a disgusting dunk, one handed, off of a sweet pass from Shannon Brown.

The player of the game was definitely Maurice Ager. He lost his touch in the second overtime, but his touch was silky in the second half, culminating in a shot off a Paul Davis screen, a three to send the game into overtime when Gonzaga thought they had salted it away.

Adam Morrison has a dirty looking TJ Hooker moustache. The man from Spokane looks like Emile Hirsch. And he has so much talent it’s unbelievable. My brother and I agree- he sounds a little bit country but his hair is floppy unwashed rock and roll. He’s developed a three point shot; a runner that’s almost Gary Payton-esque; a passable Euro-style dribble (technically sound but he’s not going to cross anyone at the playground); and an excellent interior passing sense. Some of his shots at the end of the second half were hurried hero shots; maybe he should have driven, tried a pump fake. But you and I can’t fault him for taking into his own hands. Hey, 42 points later, he won the game.

That skinny kid with the tattoos, the one you think is just going to talk smack and foul you a lot is Derek Raivio. And he can play. His father apparently played in the league, for the Lakers; and Raivio is a man with no fear of pain or ridicule.

Maybe this is the year Gonzaga gets to the Final Four?

p.s. Apparently U Mass was up 63-54 on Davidson, and then lost 66-63 to Davidson. What happened in those minutes, men?

Okay, so Texas beat #13 West Virginia in basketball last night, the Longhorns are two games away from meeting USC in Pasadena, a Texas Ex was recently named AL Rookie of the Year.

Can we all agree that the University of Texas is the premier sporting educational institution in America?

The Knicks, or, The Method of Modern Love

This picture belongs on the cover of a romance novel:

Darius (POR Jailbait)- Channing, my brother, you're hurting and you have to tell me about your pain! Only then will you start to heal!

Channing (NY Bricks)- Nah, homes, none of y'all understand my artistic soul. You just want me to run and dunk. I got more than that! I wait for the woman who will see the artist inside of the lanky brute...

But to give credit where it is due, two interesting notes about the Knicks season:

1 – Steph vs. Larry Brown already? I’m impressed with these two. It’s important to get the rough stuff out of the relationship first, to push the buttons and see if you can both survive and compromise, but this is kinda ridiculous. How about a week where they can do the teacher/ rapt pupil thing, Steph pointing at spots on the floor, Larry listening and raising his palms to counsel “patience.”

Steph will be fine. He doesn’t need to leave the team. It’s okay. Even Jamal Crawford even made some plays. There’s hope yet, Knicks fans, just be patient and stop that infernal booing.

2 – Channing Frye, the Knick in the above photo. He wasn’t this good in college, even accounting for Salim Stoudamire’s penchant for ball-hoggery and Hassan Adams’ over-ratednness. And though Larry won’t look at the rookie and think “hey, maybe David Lee should log some major minutes too,” it’s encouraging that he’s letting the kid play. It’s not like these are SEC athletes with no fundamentals, only in school for one year (David Lee is an SEC player with fundamentals), Larry. Let ‘em out! Give them run! Let's see what they've got!

An Open Letter to John Henry

This is from the blog of Dan Roche, sportscaster for WBZ4/UPN38 in Boston. I couldn't have put it better myself. Thank you, Dan. -mjr
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An Open Letter to John Henry

Nov 16, 2005 12:55 pm

Dear John,

I know I may be overstepping my boundaries here, but I have to get this off my chest. It's just time.

It's time to mend fences for the good of Red Sox fans and the organization. It's time to look ahead to the future. Look ahead to winning another World Series championsip. Look ahead to implementing some "young, homegrown talent" to the major league club. Look ahead to the ongoing renovations that are making Fenway Park the best "old/new park" in all of sports. Look ahead to watching David Ortiz battle for another MVP trophy (and this time... do what he should have done this year and win). Look ahead to the return of a healthy Curt Schilling. Look ahead.

I am asking you to do one thing. Invite Tom Werner, Larry Lucchino, Theo Epstein, and Charles Steinberg down to your home in Florida. I want you to all "air out" your feelings about what happened and how things fell apart. Don't hold anything back. Promise each other that there will be "better and more open lines of communication" within the front office. Make sure all of you... from John all the way down to the baseball operations personnel, manager, and players are on the same page and are there for each other. Get it all off of your chests. Put your egos aside. Say what you need to say to each other, swallow your pride... and then fix it.

Make things right. Theo Epstein should be the team's GM. It's time for Theo to realize Boston IS where his heart is. If you want, have Larry agree to "mentor" Theo about the job of team president. Show him all aspects of the job. Then agree that in three years, Larry will move up to "Special Assistant to the Owners(John and Tom). Larry can also assist Theo and guide him on being President of a team. Meanwhile, John, you can continue to use the system that has worked so well.

Let you, Tom, and Larry stand proudly and watch what Theo and his baseball ops people have done the last three years in re-building a depleted "farm system". There may be some "rough periods" with the youth as there always are, but you'll all be there to go through it. Remember how "low" it was after the 2003 ALCS, but then how high it was a year later. That's what makes baseball such a great game.

Now I know things will work out if they remain the way they are. There's no doubt in my mind that Larry will find a "competent solution" when it comes to a GM. Larry has a proven track record of doing so.

But that's not my point John. This group of people you have are special. Learn a lesson. And also don't be afraid to simply "do the right thing" here. Now. The group that you've put together in 2002 should stay together and 25 years down the road, it should be remembered, along with the Kraft family, as one of the greatest ownership groups in the history of Boston sports. No more, and certainly no less.

It's time to stop all the nonsense. It's just time John.

Sincerely,

Dan Roche
CBS4/UPN38 Sports

All Joking Aside....

This was reported in ESPN.com's Insider MLB Rumor Mill:

Epstein goes to Washington?

Nov 3 - According to the Boston Globe, it's possible former Red Sox GM Theo Epstein could end up with the Nationals once a new ownership group is selected, which could happen as soon as the owners' meeting in Milwaukee later this month.

Ahem...you mean, when we buy the team? Didn't we say that? Do you think the Globe is getting there info from reading Athletes in Action? Nice!

Sports Illustrated has a little article in their NCAA basketball preview about how everyone hates on Duke, more specifically, how everyone hates on JJ, and all the other successful white players who have been/come out of Duke. It's an interesting article, and while this isn't the point of it at all, I've said it before and I'll say it again -- Maryland fans suck! They're incredibly rude and a lot more "rowdy" than the article claims Cameron Crazies to be (when was the last time the Crazies rioted after a game??). In two years of attending almost every single home game at Duke, I found that the kids very rarely hated on the other team without provocation, they were mostly just really supportive of their own players. So for those of you who lose to Duke this year, please stop hating on our boys, just drive home safely.

WESTERN CONFERENCE PREVIEW

Once again, the West is filled with forwards and talent that would make Eastern teams cry when they look in the mirror. The season has kicked off with some stunning wins—the Kobe/ Phil Lakers are right back at it, Richard Jefferson and crew laid a bit of an egg, and the Bucks are pretty good. Hey, I forgot them in the last preview! Huh! Let’s start with them.

East, Central:

I predict the Bucks will end up fifth but that does them a disservice. TJ Ford’s spine is back in place and that kid is a missile. He can’t shoot—so what? That’s what he has Michael Redd for. Redd can shoot for two. I suggest opposing teams go for the Lawrence Taylor pre-defensive method—send strippers to his hotel room before he plays in your town. Bogut has been ready to play for a year, even if he keeps physically reminding me of Rony Siekaly. Dan Gadzuric will humiliate someone on a fast break, some foolish unsuspecting guard who can’t believe that 6 foot 11 guy is flying downcourt like that. Gadzookie rebounds, blocks, dunks, plus he’s Dutch/ Serbian and I think a little Africa’s tossed in there. And there’s that Canadian Jamaal Magliore. I hear he’s good but he’s been with the Hornets, so no one knows. They might overtake the Bulls and make the playoffs.

Southwest
Predicted Finish: San Antonio, Houston, Dallas, Memphis, New Orleans/ Oklahoma City

San Antonio is the NBA’s current dynasty, working over opponents by a lot, a little, defending well, scoring efficiently, sharing the ball, and wearing boring colors. The team is the rice and beans of the Southwest Division – not that spectacular, but every time you take a bite, hey, it’s kinda good. And then it’s hey, you finished the whole bowl. I think it’s the spices—Manu Ginobili and his easy as Sunday morning Argentine crossover, Frenchman Tony Parker and his hot ass girlfriend, Bruce Bowen and his down south tugging-your-jock defense. There’s not much to say. They’re just good. I even hear Michael Finley will be the official towel-waver.

Houston is like oatmeal. You wince when you see it on the menu, and it’s not so good going down. It never looks like it works together, all gloppy and with bubbles and fruits drenched in goo. But hours later, you feel strong and tough and effective. Yao + Tracy McGrady aren’t the best paired tandem—a low post force who aw-shucks his way across the floor and a slashing shooting marvel who takes too many shots—but they are pretty damn good. And the backcourt has improved significantly. Rafer Alston probably has a crush on Jeff Van Gundy for making New York extra tough. Stromile Swift plays like a moron and will pull out the last ten of Jeff’s hairs. But that last second putback dunk on Kevin Garnett will be comforting like a warm sweaty post-game hug from a dripping Patrick Ewing or a sermon from Charlie Ward. Is he still on the roster?

Good Lord, Coach Avery Johnson—don’t play Doug Christie! He’s old like grandpa’s 23 skidoo diss track against Benny Goodman! The man can’t play anymore! Christie tries to play defense but can’t score at all… and you have Marquis Daniels + Josh Howard! You have young athletic long guys! Let them loose! And what kind of guy respects his wife so much that he makes hand signals to her while he plays? He gives basketball players a bad name, with that love and devotion crap. Where is the bling? Where are the hoes? I bet he likes the new dress code. For the Doug Christie acquisition—he’s like that graying, funny tasting chocolate with the banana filling no one likes in the box—the Mavericks get the third slot. Nowitzki will make up for the mediocrity that is Erick Dampier and I swear to you all, he plays defense now. Watch his man and see his field goal percentage. Hey, whatever happened to that Devin Harris kid?

The Memphis Grizzlies are no longer playing in a pyramid. Come on, dirty south, whose idea was THAT? Building a pyramid for events… you people. The basketball team has gotten rid of the Jason Williams vs. Earl Watson point guard controversy… only to replace it with the Bobby Jackson vs. Damon Stoudamire point guard controversy. The first pair was a good problem to have, and the second is a good pair to talk about diversifying your portfolio and retirement options with. Mo' experience, mo' knee problems. Being a Grizzly fan is like going to a restaurant promising good down home basketball and getting something a step below Checkers. I love Pau Gasol—if only for the fact that his name is a Batman sound effect—but being playoff competitive is a tall order. Can we elect Shane Battier to Congress, so we can get him on the way to the presidency? I am assuming him a Democrat… and I don’t even know why. Additionally, I know the league loves Jerry West (he is the NBA silhouette icon) but he has put together a hard working roster of unspectacular players. Dahntay Jones? Hakim Warrick? Eddie Jones? The garbageman Brian Cardinal, pictured here? What was wrong with James Posey? Why did you trade him, Jerry West?

New Orleans is like that time when your best friend dared you to eat dog sh*t. Or maybe the cantaloupe he/ she picked out of the trash. It just ain’t good. I’ll watch for Chris Paul but I swear to God, if you try and get me Bricks/ Hornets tickets I will slap you back into the trash can you came from. The New Orleans Hornets of Oklahoma City do have JR Smith and the Birdman, Chris Andersen, who will be great in the dunk contest. In fact, watch them for one reason—the Birdman is proof that white men CAN jump. And block shots. Then again, Jeff Foster of the Indiana Pacers proves the same thing and he’s on a winning team. Is Dan Dickau still in the league?

Northwest:
Predicted Finish: Denver, Minnesota, Utah, Seattle, Portland JailBlazers

George Karl: it’s like you woke up in the good dream. You have ‘Melo. You have K-Mart. You have the Camby-man. You have Nene. You have Earl Boykins and Earl Watson who will save you money on rides at Six Flags. So what if no one can shoot? It’s like waking up in your dorm room to find Stacy Dash, circa the movie Clueless, lighting candles, reading William Blake’s the Marriage of Heaven and Hell in a raspy voice, and set to rock your world. Let me shake your hand early. Have you seen your opponents? No, because they’re in your dust.

Minnesota is a great place to be in the summer. Unfortunately basketball is played in the winter, and there languishes Kevin Garnett. Will this finally be the winter of his discontent? He has Wally Sczerbiak to kick around and new guards—Marko Jaric who isn’t nimble to play the point, Anthony Carter who is too untalented to play the point, and Troy Hudson who is too old to play the point. And the Mayor Fred Hoiberg had heart problems, out for the year. I don’t know why I put the Timberwolves this high… I just think KG is this good. And maybe Rashard McCants will do the thing he knows—shoot! Shoot! Best line about the kid was Jay Bilas at the draft:

“If I had nickel for every time he got down and really guarded somebody, I'd have a nickel.”

Utah is pretty in the winter, all the glistening blonde people and clean streets and un-Jazzy basketball. Jerry Sloan probably thinks he has his man in Deron Williams, and unlike the pundits, I think that kid can really play. He has jets that jets can’t afford. But I can’t get past the fact that one of the best dirty work players, Matt Harpring, is playing the same positions as Andrei Kirilenko and Carlos Boozer. Up north in Jack London country, we call that a logjam, you see, because we can’t get the logs down the river. In this case, there are good legs on the bench at any one point, and only Kirilenko’s actually move fast.

Seattle is going to better without Jerome James eating all the buffet food (and since last year was his contract year, going to the bathroom and loudly puking like Lara Flynn Boyle after eating a carrot). I could put them higher but the Antonio Daniels effect will be startling. The man backed up both guard spots well, when Ray Allen was being assaulted and Luke Ridnour was being outclassed. And they don’t have a replacement. Nick Collison will keep them tough, and Danny Fortson will lose his last friend in the NBA after a particularly hard foul. No Crime and Punishment, here; this team will fade more like the Underground Man.

The Portland Jailblazers are awesome, because they brought in players who are too young to have adult records. Hence, they are now Portland Jailbait. Darius Miles, the grizzled veteran at 24 with the movie "The Perfect Score" under his belt, and Steve Blake will join Theo Ratliff in chaperoning the kids to play group. Watch them the second half of the season when Juan Dixon’s shot starts falling and Travis Outlaw make you go “damn, that little kid can play.” They’re going to be the David Eggers’ You Shall Know Our Velocity of the division—new style, new money, but good enough to hang with the big boys. While we wait for them to reach drinking age, enjoy some pictures:

Pacific:
Predicted Finish: Golden State, Sacramento, Los Angeles Lakers, Phoenix. Oh yeah, the Los Angeles Clippers

Every year there is a breakout team. Forces change the status quo from year to year-- veterans getting old, injuries, talent leaps that weren't foreseen, players putting it all together, and sheer dumb luck. And why not Golden State? I won’t show you the mathematical calculations about how long a team can have losing season until the law of silly averages hands them wins on a platter. And I know Dunleavy and Richardson don’t play defense. The guys who were drafted were good parts without a solid leader to distribute; and the offense looked like Murphy in the low post, Richardson holding the rock, and three guys mentally counting their paychecks. But Baron Davis arrived and led this attack into the realm of illness last year. Sick like third stage syphilis. Troy Murphy, Andris Biedrins set free? Mickael Pietrus lurking in the shadows, just waiting to thief your passes? And Dunleavy in a couch staring at your tail as you walk to the bar in the creepiest manner possible? It’s on. Light sh*t up like Red Dawn.

I have to be honest. Like you, I know nothing about the Kings. They’re a middle of the pack Western Conference team, traded Chris Webber to Philly for Kenny Thomas/ Brian Skinner/ Corliss Williamson, bowed out early in the playoffs. But Sacramento is rebuilding the house… and they always use high quality parts. Sharif Abdur-Rahim’s legs will hold up, Peja will enjoy shooting again, Mike Bibby and Brad Miller will be steady. Bonzi Wells is only half as crazy as Carl Everett, and with a team filled with veterans, high percentage shooting, and crisp passing, I think he will reach heights people forgot he could hit. And I don’t mean Jailblazer, Humboldt County, Up In Smoke heights. They’re missing something, but it won’t be the playoffs.

The Los Angeles Lakers of the Staples Center… man, forget Kobe and Phil, Kobe and Phil. Are they eating at Nobu? Do they take Yoga together? Did Phil buy Kobe a diamond bracelet to say sorry? I don’t stinking care. I love Lamar Odom, who you may know from events such as "Am I the only one who's actually trying to play at the Olympics?" and "Yes, I got caught smoking mary jane... for a third time." And I dig Chris Mihm. But the rest of this squad is like A Walk to Remember—a production to forget. Laron Profit? Kwame Brown? This team is a secondary draft—if you don’t know the concept, John Hollinger describes it as when teams pick up high, young draft picks that didn’t make it with their first team. Many of these players turn out to be serviceable, but this squad has knucklehad written all over it. And word has it NYC playground legend and collegiate mediocrity (and lazy student) Smush Parker will get some playing time? (Editor’s note: damned Lakers. Smush scored 20 last night!)

Phoenix. This is the Ishtar of the league. Folks think they’re just gonna get out there and do it again, do it again, do it again. Without the horses? Stoudamire is out for half the season and he won’t be the same when he does come back. Nash doesn’t have anyone who can keep up with him. Kurt Thomas has a fork in him (Isiah was checking his readiness) and he’ll slow down the run-run-run of the Suns-Suns-Suns. I like the idea of Boris Diaw but when I see him on the court I cringe. Marion plays Hoffman, Nash plays Beatty, and they are walking alone in the desert.

Thanks for reading—oh yes, Donald Sterling’s entry. The Los Angeles Clippers of the Other Locker Room of the Staples Center. I could go on and on about veterans Cuttino “I’ll shoot it!” Mobley and Sam “Peanut” Cassell along with Elton “Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen” Brand and Corey Maggette. But I think Chris Kaman is the bad luck charm in all of this. He runs really hard, and can’t do anything when he gets to his spot. Coach Mike Dunleavy will get his team playing well, but when he looks to his subs, and then down at the clipboard to figure out their names and what they do, and then back at his subs with a sadder face, and then back at his clipboard to make sure he’s not looking at a NBDL or CBA roster, and then back at his subs… he’ll rethink the wisdom of taking over the Clips. And then, Peanut will start complaining about Cuttino hogging the ball, and Cuttino will complain about Peanut hogging the ball, and Elton Brand will call Isiah Thomas: “Man, my team stinks. Hey! I play forward! Trade for me!! Bonus—I make a lot of money!”

EASTERN CONFERENCE PREVIEW

Hot times, y’all. It’s basketball season.

The refs want to remove the “NBA step,” the extra step players take going to the basket. And flopping. That’s my whole game! Man, the NBA wants to take away my livelihood. Well, forget them. I’m tired, anyway. 82 games, from coast to coast. Stromile Swift’s about to break out. Amare and me can’t go to our yoga class together because he has to “rehab.” And I’m tired of Dirk Nowitzki playing tricks on me, Jamal Crawford stealing basketballs from my yard; I want to party with the ballers in Portland but they all piss their pants when they get carded. Ron Artest showing up at my house and wanting to play tracks from some girl group on his label (you tell him no).

And I have to go to Canadia? I don’t even know where Canadia is.

They just don’t see my game for its subtleties; I pass well from the post because no one can see me in the post. I roll silent like the fog. But these ten day contracts are getting me down, and if I can’t wear my bling, I’m not posting up Tim Duncan anymore. And that bitchass might not admit it but he dead scared of this baller. For real. FOR REAL.

Forget the NBA. I’m just gonna quit and write a blog and a novel instead. That’ll show them all! David Stern, this pen’s aimed at you!!!


DIVISION BY DIVISION

EAST

Atlantic:
Predicted Finish: New Jersey, Boston, New York, Philadelphia, Toronto.

Some things we’re going to see:
We’re going to see dunks and running from the New Jersey Nets, and Jason Collins inexplicably missing dunks and struggling to keep up. They won’t play defense but with a division like this they won’t have to. Seriously, they’re going to put up shots like GI Joe battle scenes. If they let Zoran Planinic free, maybe we’ll see his scrawny tail whoop the crap out of that screw faced Hedo Turkoglu—they have Euro-Beef from way back. Cliff Robinson will tell stories about way back in the 80’s, Jason Kidd will mutter about being traded, and Richard Jefferson and Vince Carter will work so well together they’ll start their own car dealership. Or illegal card game. Both do well in New Jersey. Look out for those two in your favorite club, asking you, “so… how’s your girl?”

Boston has some nice young players and if Paul “Gunner” Pierce doesn’t get traded for a bale of deer jerky (I’m aiming him at Minnesota. They need a shooter) they might make some noise. Might. It might be at a house party, for all I know. Al Jefferson and Kendrick Perkins will make you drool. I won’t admit it in public either. It’ll be our secret.

The New York Bricks will… well, it’ll be ugly for 1/3 of the season. And then, there will be a winning streak. It might, unfortunately, be the winning streak that sparks a trade of David Lee, Jackie Butler, and Nate Robinson to Toronto for Jalen Rose—he’s from Chicago and a solid but not spectacular veteran. And Larry loves a proven veteran. Larry Brown and Isiah will smile as they stab each other in the back. Starbury and Q and Jamal Crawford will put up shots. That will miss. The payroll will be equal to the final bid on the Atlantic Rail yards. Eddy Heart Condition Curry will score, and ccradle the ball lovingly near his jock, where opportunistic guards will slap it away and race to the other end for a score. Eddy will watch them from about, oh, halfcourt. Caveat: I think Larry Brown can make Crawford into a real NBA player with shot selection and all.

Philadelphia has Allan Iverson. He’s going to break like fine crystal when the goths get wild at a high school party. But maybe it won’t be this year. Because it’s only his 40-shots a game magic that keeps this squad in semi-contention. C-Webb, I love the man, but he needs to play in a rec league. Or with a team that believes in “pass.” I don’t remember Mo Cheeks’ teams being particularly unselfish… There will be bitching, complaints, and Andre Iguodala will turn to his young teammates Korver and Dalembert and concoct a business plan for their own team. And then they’ll be distracted by high school girls calling out their names at the Teen Choice Awards.

Toronto will ride Chris Bosh into the ground and wonder why all of their other forwards suck. Mo Peterson will take shots and make shots as if he’s alone in a forest. No, Easy Mo Pete, no one hears you if the three falls in Toronto. The Raptors will eagerly await the trading deadline, where then Knicks will provide them a bounty of actually capable NBA players, and they will win at a .600 clip in the last two months of the season. 35 Canadians who bought season tickets will clap respectfully.

Southeast:
Predicted Finish: Miami, Washington, Orlando, Charlotte, Atlanta

Miami looks like a mess. Pat Riley is hovering for Stan Van Gundy’s job, dripping pomade all over him, which makes it very hard to be taken seriously. Especially by Shaq—he wakes up three times from his regular season, stands up, and looks down upon what he sees. Imagine seeing a little fat man that looks like Ron Jeremy being dripped on by Dapper Pat Riley? In the corner Gary Payton and Jason Williams will invent new words in their version of the English language to talk about how much they are being disrespected. Antoine “Sour Face” Walker will pout like he’s about to cry. Dwayne Wade will be the classy mofo that carries this squad through all the bickering… and may just get a little MVP love. You heard it here first.

See, this Gilbert Arenas guy is a problem. He’s awesome. Butt he thinks he’s even better than awesome. And he hogs the ball. And without Larry Hughes to hog the ball, will the passes fly… or will it be the “you could have made a better decision” drives? If Arenas plays well, I think they might—MIGHT—overtake the Heat. Antawn Jamison, Etan Thomas, Bendan-tan Haywood are an imposing interior force, and that little priss Kwame Brown won’t be around distracting them. And Antonio Daniels. Watch Antonio Daniels. For once, the Wizards’ ticket in your season package won’t be the proverbial Halloween candy corn, the one you can’t give away.

Orlando has Grant Hill, which would be great if he wasn’t held together by frayed rubber bands and the fleeting dreams of children in the Magic Kingdom. Jameer Nelson will pass the ball. Steve Francis will not. Luckily, Stevie won’t be running the point, because the man is blind like his namesake. I hope he doesn’t Jay and Silent Bob me and come to my house to whoop my tail for talking trash on the ‘net. Watch Dwight Howard. He’ll carry this team to its .500 record.

I think Charlotte should alter the Beach Boys’ Barbara Ann to Bob-bob-bob, bob-bob-a-cats. That will get people in the seats. And they should be there. This team, while crappy, has Emeka Okafor and Primoz Brezec—both worth watching. Which would be good if you could tell me who’s on the rest of the roster. I’ve always though Raymond Felton doesn’t quite know what he’s doing at any point in the game. Maybe I just hate him because he’s from UNC. He’ll try to get hugs from Sean May after his latest 6-turnover game.

R.I.P. Jason Collier. Dying of an enlarged heart was an awful thing to happen in general, and it has to make playing basketball really strange and difficult for the Hawks. That’s why I am not making fun of them, tossing money at a guy who thinks he’s a point guard because he school his little brother back home or something. And having 4 g/f swingmen sounds great if you’re playing NBA live but those skinny cats are going to be used as Shaq’s toothpicks.

Central:
Predicted Finish: Indiana, Cleveland, Detroit, Bulls, Bucks



Ron Artest, thank you for representing a version of New York that is slowly fading away under the weight of high rents and high rises. The New York where that dude in the alley might smile and kick your ass for breathing wrong. The defensive player of the year Artest will complement Jermaine O’Neal, Stephen Jackson will talk a lot of smack and no one will listen, and in his cameo, Fred Jones will throw down the filthiest in-game dunk ever seen… and go back to the bench to play his matador defense. Ron Artest is seen here with Cam'Ron and some blondes, and doing hurricane relief. Leave the man be. So he beat up some jerk fans? Don't you wish you could do the same to that one repetitive jackass who thinks he knows some inside dirt because he's been reading the New York Post?

This division is the basketball equivalent of all the virile sperm at a logjam on the way to that sweet, unfertilized egg. I grossed myself out with that one, but I honestly believe LeBron, Bron-Bron to friends such as myself, will carry this squad to ill heights. I love Drew Gooden’s game, I love Larry Hughes’ game; plus Damon Jones and Donyell Marshall and Z-Ilgauskas? That’s an ill-nasty team. LeBron will trump Fred Jones’ filthy dunk with the grimiest nuts-in-face throwdown, the one that makes all the men in the room holler OOOOOOOH.

Detroit is a nice place to throw a beer. But under Flip Saunders’ rumpled direction, can the Pistons maintain their dominance of the East? I think they can run on autopilot, really; and the team will score a little more. But then I think, who scores on this team, anyway? Rip Hamilton takes 2’s not 3’s, Chauncey is effective but isn’t too eager to pass, Ben Wallace has hands of stone, Rasheed just wants to sit in the back of class, hit on the trashy girls, and holler interesting things (never reaching his “potential”), and Play-shaun Prince is a fine defensive player, but that chicken-wing three point shot ain’t getting him points. Darko will be free, mediocre, and will try to out filth Bron-Bron and Fred Jones but will only come up with a dunk that’s indecent.

The problem with this division is that the Bulls are really good. In fact, they could end up second. Kirk Hinrich is ridiculously competent; Ben Gordon might need to stand on a phone book to make a collect call but that dude is quicker than almost anyone else. But Tyson Chandler does not a post presence make. Mike Sweetney does, and if he’s as good as New York thinks he is—the New York fans, not the NY Bricks—the Bulls really will surprise. At least he tries to play defense, unlike Eddy Heart Condition. Plus… who’s going to dunk on this team?

Late Entry:

I predict the Bucks will end up fifth but that does them a disservice. TJ Ford’s spine is back in place and that kid is a missile. He can’t shoot—so what? That’s what he has Michael Redd for. Redd can shoot for two. I suggest opposing teams go for the Lawrence Taylor pre-defensive method—send strippers to his hotel room before he plays in your town. Bogut has been ready to play for a year, even if he keeps physically reminding me of Rony Siekaly. Dan Gadzuric will humiliate someone on a fast break, some foolish unsuspecting guard who can’t believe that 6 foot 11 guy is flying downcourt like that. Gadzookie rebounds, blocks, dunks, plus he’s Dutch/ Serbian and I think a little Africa’s tossed in there. And there’s that Canadian Jamaal Magliore. I hear he’s good but he’s been with the Hornets, so no one knows. They might overtake the Bulls and make the playoffs.